World Cup take 2

I'm currently sat in a hotel room in Munich having arrived earlier today ready for the second leg of the World Cup starting the day after tomorrow. It's absolutely persisting down with rain and it's forecast to remain that way until we go home (joy) so rigging and rowing was not at the top of my list of things to do this afternoon, especially after I got into the hotel room and immediately fell asleep for the hour we had between lunch and leaving for the course!

To add insult to injury (quite literally) I'm also on painkillers and anti-inflammatories for a spine/rib joint injury which is getting worse by the hour. It's ironic that the only time you ever appreciate not being injured is when you're exactly the opposite. I've gone from being nervous about racing to just wishing I could race feeling 100%.

If there's one thing an athlete struggles with it's admitting defeat, and today I had to admit defeat and confess to Andrea that I thought we should go in rather than finish the outing - we'd done 5km out of a scheduled 12km. A back/ rib injury is not something to mess with and we only have approximately 36hrs until we face another gruelling race in the LW2x against the best athletes in the world.

Slovenia was amazing, a massive learning curve and an emotional rollercoaster of an experience. After an appalling display in the heat - we came 5th - we faced the repercharge the same day. Having discussed the heat, we focussed our attention on putting right the wrongs. It was a good job we prepared ourselves for a fight as we drew the Greeks and the Italians - two crews that are always fast. There were 5 boats in the race and only two went through to the A/B semis - we had to beat one of them. We were in 3rd place at 1500m, a good two lengths down on both the Greeks and the Italians, who were battling it out together in front. I have said since and I'm not afraid to say it again that if I was on the bank I'd have put money on the fact that we were out of it. However, Andrea had other plans and took the rate up to 38 with 500m to go. With 300m to go it wasn't enough and we knew it so she took us up again - to 41.5 strokes per minute. Just as I thought I was going to pass out we heard 3 beeps to say all three crews had crossed the line. It was so close nobody knew who had made it through. All three crews sat and stared at the results board, too tired to speak, holding our breath. We waited. The Greeks had won. We waited. We had come second, 3/10ths of a second behind them. Then the Italians had come 3rd, 3/10s of a second behind us. At that precise moment I felt I'd never deserved anything so much!

So to the semi, which we won fairly comfortably - a sweet experience after the heat and repercharge! However, byt the time the final came around we were tired. Happy, but tired. Our aim had been to make the A final and we had acheived that, but neither of us would have been happy with a mediocre performance - we were in it to race hard. In the end, we came 5th. It wasn't an outstanding performance, it wasn't terrible. Ultimately, we would've liked to have come 4th as we were pipped by 0.5sec by the Dutch who we'd beaten the day before in the semi, but you take small victories were you can - we beat the Irish!

So, here we are in Munich. Different boat (we're in an Empacher rather than a Filippi) but same focus. Far less crews - 13 instead of 23 - and no Greeks, Italians, USA, Dutch or Irish - but no less difficult. Andrea and I are here to show the world what we're capable of and a back injury is going to have to go a long way to stop me doing that. So, bring on the painkillers and the anti-inflammatories - I'm going to need them...

Doubt and the lesson it brings

Well yet again I have failed to update my blog in an age. I am starting to see a trend though... my last post was on my day off training; today, unsurprisingly, is my first day off training since then. So, I will make a mental note to ensure I complete a post on at least every day off. Anything more than that is a bonus!

The past couple of weeks have been those kind of weeks that every athlete dreads but knows (after 10 years) are inevitable and an important part of improving performance - every session I've been performing under par. My erg scores were miles off my usual for what felt like ten times the effort, my HR was high, my legs felt like they were disconnected from the rest of my body, my arms ached like they were doing all the work and my general enthusiasm for my sport (read: life) was evidently missing. Yet I wasn't ill, I was trying hard to get enough sleep and I'd done nothing differently.

And it's those last three points that are the most pertinent. Any athlete knows that staying 100% all of the time is simply not possible. When you put yourself through the level of training we do whilst trying to maintain a job, a relationship, a social life and still have downtime it's a fait a complit that you are going to, at some point, be under the weather as your immune system shouts loudly 'hey, give it a rest, damnit!'... And when that happens you learn to accept it, back off a bit, and treat yourself with a little bit more care until you feel back to your usual self. In the long run, you will benefit more that way than trying to battle through it. However, when you don't feel ill and everything seems normal yet you simply can not perform, that's a whole different kettle of fish. You start to ask questions of yourself... and that's when the doubt creeps in.

Self-doubt is an athlete's biggest enemy; it is a well known and widely held belief that an athlete who sits on the start line questioning their ability or, worse, thinking that there's no way they can win has already lost. An important part of being an athlete - as important as training and everything that goes with it, diet, sleep, etc. - is mental strength and belief in yourself. It is sometimes mistaken for arrogance. However, there is a big difference. I looked up the definition of arrogance to be sure of what I'm talking about: 'having or showing an exaggerated opinion of one's own importance, merit, ability, etc.; conceited; overbearingly proud'. When you look at it like that you can understand why the lines between self-belief and arrogance are often perceived to be blurred; no-one goes to the World Championships/ Olympics believing they can't win or at the very least are the best that their country can send. In other words, in either case you have to believe that you are the best. You have trained hard with the same focus in every session - to be the best you possibly can be. Granted, there are athletes out there that have an inflated opinion of their capabilities - however, if they race often enough that should be rectified - but in the vast majority of cases, it isn't arrogance you're witnessing; it's weeks, months and years of training, both mentally and physically, to believe that they are the best in order to face the challenge that lies ahead of them.

But I digress... my point is that over the last two weeks - after enjoying a long run of getting faster and faster and producing PBs over and over - I rapidly started to go the other way. And that caused me to doubt myself. To question my abilities. To wonder if I was right all along when I looked at the erg screen and thought that there was no way the scores I was producing could possibly be real. If in fact it was all a run of luck, a bit of a dream. And that made me miserable - worse than that, it made me fearful. As an athlete, your body is your daily job and your performances the measure of how your work for the day has gone. A bad score is a bad day at the office. And the repercussions of persistent bad days at the office are the same as in any job - you lose your position or, worse, you lose your job altogether. And there a lot of people who want my job, and there a lot of people who can do my job - to a better or worse capability - and therefore I have constant benchmarks.

So, facing this weekend's task of a 2k speed order to rank and confirm the crews for the first World Cup was a daunting one off the back of the last two weeks. Essentially, all the proposed crews for the World Cup team race over 2k and are then ranked on % gold medal speed in order to compare boats of different classes. Those who are not performing to the level expected will be reconsidered. In my case, I'm currently in a 2x with Andrea Dennis - a fantastic athlete who I admire immensely and consider it a huge privilege to be training and racing with, not least as she beat me by 13 seconds at, and won, the April Final trials. My reasons to desperately want to to do well were therefore much more than just for me and all the training I have done to get this far; the Wlwt2x is the Olympic class boat so it is a fantastic opportunity to race this class at the World Cups against the best athletes in the world, with one of the best athletes in the world.

I wasn't nervous - I was doubtful, and fearful. And that's far worse than nervous. Nervous means you have an opportunity, you know you have a chance, and you're going to have to race hard to beat your competition. Doubtful and fearful means you've already convinced yourself that you're out of the race and you therefore have to race yourself in your mind all the way down the track to beat your own fears. All this without telling Andrea how I felt as I didn't want to affect her race over and above what I already felt were my physical limitations. So, I told myself it was a process, one that I'd done hundreds of times before - in the majority of cases under more difficult circumstances (like racing a single scull at final trials as your first 2k race in that boat class!) - and as much as I didn't feel up to it/ excited/ nervous about it, it was my job so I just had to get on with it. Just another day at the office. I just had to ignore the hangover of an underpar set of sessions...

I won't bore you with the details (well done for making it this far... you must be really bored, have nothing to do or be avoiding something...!) - we did really well and I personally had one of the best races of my life. The rhythm was fantastic, my legs were strong, my calls were good and the result was reflective of what we are capable of. It was a fantastic learning experience and one that I will carry with me into future races: have faith in your training, have faith in your crew and, most importantly, have faith in yourself. Even when things are not going well, remember the person you are when things are good and you feel strong - because you are still that person.

The first World Cup is in 2wks in Bled, Slovenia. It will be tough, it will be fast and it will be require me to bring my A game. No matter how I feel, how nervous I am, I know I will have packed it somewhere, even if I think I forgot it. Bring it on.

An apology...

Wow, it was the end of November since I last posted. The shame burns. If anyone is still following this blog, good effort - you clearly have more stamina than me! Mental note to self: must write blog more often.

Clearly being a part-time athlete/ part-time marketing consultant/ full-time knackered person I have a slight excuse in that if I'm not training/ eating/ sleeping/ driving between the office-Caversham-Putney/ pretending to work, I'm sleeping some more... Take this weekend for example; I had grand plans to take full advantage of the afternoon sunshine after wistfully imagining what normal people were doing with the gloriously sunny day that was this Saturday just gone whilst I was busy ploughing my way up and down a 2km lake all morning. I drove home excited about the potential the afternoon had, raced through the door... and fell asleep on the sofa. For 2.5hrs.

To be honest that pretty much sums up every day, although there's normally approx. 4hrs work sandwiched between the training and the sleeping on a Mon-Fri. Anyone who thinks that being an international athlete is glamorous is seriously mistaken! It's early mornings, lots of driving, planning your day to the minute and generally feeling like you have zero time to yourself even though you haven't seen your friends and family in weeks and don't feel like you've been out of the flat. If I didn't have my shopping delivered by a nice Polish guy in a van I wouldn't eat! God bless Ocado.

So yes, I'm making excuses for being rubbish at maintaining my blog. Must. Try. Harder. Story of my life! (All put on myself by me I might add. My Mum would tell me to relax, have a glass of wine and take the weight off, bless her). Even now I haven't written about what I was going to. I had grand plans to update you on the last 5 months but to be honest there's FAR too much too tell you! I'll save that for my next entry - I PROMISE it'll be in the next 7 days! For now, I'm going to continue trying not to fall asleep whilst waiting for the shopping to get here. Where has that Polish geezer got to...

Moving goalposts

Yet again a whole month has managed to pass me by without me posting. Eeek, sorry! My life feels like one constant round of training, working, sleeping and getting between the 3 with as much relaxation and eating as possible - which is never as much as I'd like, on both counts!

I managed to sneak home this weekend to see the majority of my family and celebrate my 29th birthday with a change of scene and less training than normal. Yes, that's right, I see 'less training than normal' a suitable treat for a birthday. Paid the price this morning - amazing how quickly you can get used to not doing a session first thing in the morning!

So, I guess I should update you on how it's going. Well, it's been a satisfying season so far. I've only had one real test to date - a 2k at Bisham - as World Champs athletes are exempt from the first round of trials at Boston. I'm relieved to say it went well - and certainly much better than expected - and gave me a bit of a boost that all the hard training I'm doing is definitely paying off. It feels a little strange to be this fit and strong so early in the season, but it's nice to not be struggling my way through 18k ergos and 20km outings!

Having said all that, the pressure and my mind set is no different - the goalposts have just moved. The fitter and stronger you are, the harder you have to try and the faster the targets get. It's been quite a daunting (and marginally disappointing!) situation to find myself in - that reaching the original goal doesn't bring with it the ability to relax a little bit and the satisfaction expected. What you want and expect just changes. The people I compare myself to, the numbers I want to see on the erg and water, the amount of weight I want to be able to lift.

And with that comes another element to consider - improvement, or rather expectation of improvement. Previously I've always seen improvement through a season, usually significant baring illness and injury. This year my coach has warned me that there will undoubtedly be a lower increase in my performance over the season than previously seen. There is also the chance that I may not improve - my performance might plateau - and I need to be mentally prepared for that. I mustn't lose sight of the fact that the absence of improvement or as much improvement doesn't mean I'm not fast. It's just more difficult to improve on something that's already pretty good. Of course, that also doesn't mean that I'm not going to try.... there's still a lot of breathing space between me and the established girls in the squad and I need to try and close that gap.

So it all boils down to moving my goalposts - on what I want, what I expect, what I aim for and, most importantly, how I review my performance. This year is going to be tough - tougher than last year for sure - and I'm going to need to make sure I keep my eyes on the prize and keep moving in the right direction. Which is a different direction to before...

Well I've been back to training 5 weeks and so far so good... until yesterday. It's been a tough week - amazed myself that I managed to push myself through it pretty much alone - and yesterday my body finally said enough is enough and something gave. My neck to be precise, and boy does it hurt! I've always been a sceptic when it comes to back pain/ neck pain/ headache. I'm not very easy to convince when the individual's pain isn't tangible! (Read: their leg isn't hanging off - I was never going to make a great nurse). How can one little ache cause so much bother? Well karma has definitely come to haunt me - I'm in agony.

Not quite sure when precisely during yesterday's two sessions I cricked my neck but by the time I'd walked back from the club to the flat I felt nauseous and distinctly out of sorts. Usually the first person to dive head first into housework on a Sat afternoon, especially when the flat looks like ours currently does, I walked straight into the bathroom on getting home to run a bath. In fact, I noticed on walking into the bathroom this morning that my house keys are still by the side of the sink by way of evidence! By the time Dominic got home I was sat on the sofa in my PJs (at 2pm) dosed up on ibuprofen with an ice pack handy. All I mustered up the energy to do yesterday was watch the GP qualifying and have copious amounts of sleep. I clearly needed it, and most people would call that a typical relaxing Saturday afternoon, but there's nothing that makes an athlete more despondent than being rendered totally incapable of doing anything. Especially when their own desire and determination to do otherwise can not overcome the fact that their body is telling them something different.

Had this been a week day I would have been to my chiropractors by now to have my neck fully examined and manhandled back into place. (I take the same approach to my body as the vast majority of the other aspects of my life - if it isn't working, keep pushing it until it does). However, being a Saturday afternoon I have to wait until Monday morning for that pleasure. In the meantime, the washing will have to remain in front of the machine and the hoover silent. Currently sitting in bed listening to the rain and catching up on Eastenders is all I'm capable of. Any other day I'd call that a fantastic recovery day - today it's a pain in the neck.

It started so well...

I managed a whole 2 weeks of training before succumbing to a cold. Typical. Granted it hasn't struck with it's usual ferocity (she says quietly before anyone hears her) resulting in sleepless nights and time off work - standard for an asthmatic - but the usual congestion treatment and 3 days off training has been self-prescribed. Cue olbas oil, tissues and Sudafed. Anyone within a 3m radius of my desk now has very clear sinuses!

On the plus side I'm in the office almost every day this week rather than out at clients. This means that I can cycle to work, which means I got a little exercise today in the form of 2 x 30min on the bike to test out the lungs, and also that it's less stressful as I can manage my own time and work at my own pace without client appointments hanging over me requiring prep and the inevitable post-meeting work. My team are a great bunch of people as well so it's nice to spend time with them, even if none of them will currently come more than 2m near me except to drop a cup of tea on my desk - quickly. Makes for interesting one on one meetings.

Anyway, I feel suitably recovered to get back in the saddle tomorrow. I'm entered in Elite 2x for the Pairs Head on Sat afternoon so preferably need to get some practice in with my partner Elaine, although it's a well known fact that training for this race is considered cheating, being the first race of the season. I might have to cough up some green stuff along the way but I'll try to die quietly.... :)

Back in the game... almost

Right, I did an abridged version of weights last night and cycled into work today. And I'm in agony. My quads hate me and as a result getting out of my chair in the office was amusing. I appreciate that I've had 2wks off and drank my body weight in alcohol approx. 50 times over, but I used to be able to do that AND a 20km paddle... and then do it all again the next day! Depressing. Going to be a gradual build-in me thinks...!